Cold Case

I was at the restaurant last week and found myself staring at that booth near the bar. So many different conversations and scenes replaying through my head. I remember a man, mysterious and exciting. Strong and confident. Intelligent and funny. Sexy. I loved the way that he looked at me and the way that he made me feel. His kisses were intoxicating. He was cautious about letting me into his life and I was grateful for the times when he would show me little glimpses of who he really was. And yet, I was alone. Never knowing how he really felt or what he really wanted. And then one day...he disappeared - without a word. And wherever he is, whether he knows it or not, he took a little piece of me with him. Whatever it was that we shared is now just a bunch of memories to be filed away. I wish I knew just which folder to put them in. So for now they just sit like a messy pile of papers on my desk. If only I could stamp them "Case Closed"...

Exposed

I have not visited this spot in over a year. Wondering about starting up again...but then putting such personal thoughts online is a very scary thought. Do I dare? As much as I wish it were not so, I really do care what you think of me. Whoever you might be.

I Don't know how to handle this with Grace or Dignity

Four years ago, I held a tiny baby boy in my arms. I only had a few moments to study his face and imagine how his eyes might have sparkled when he smiled and what his voice would have sounded like when he called me Mom. And then I had to say good-bye.

Fifteen and a half years ago, I held my baby girl in my arms. She has the most beautiful eyes and a gorgeous smile. She still calls me Momma. I am so very proud of her. She is smart and full of personality. She is so very confident and strong and honest and loving. She makes friends easily and always stands up for those who can not stand up for themselves. In just a few days she will be flying to Haiti on a missions trip (with people that she doesn't even know) and working in an orphanage. She is beautiful inside and out. She is the person that I wish I was.

She is fifteen.
And She is breaking my heart.

You see, She's just announced that when she returns from Haiti, she will be leaving my house and going to live with her dad. She has already said good-bye to all of her friends. She quit her band. She is ready to register for school in a town two hours away from here. This decision was swift and unexpected. "You've done nothing wrong Mom," she tells me, "It's just that I want to spend time with my dad." She is very much like her father in this way. It's all or nothing with them. She will not be satisfied with seeing him every weekend. Her mind is made up. She was too young to remember the reasons why her dad and I split up, and too young to understand the complexities of our relationships.

I am broken. Everything I've done in the last 18 years, I've done with my kids best interests at heart. Sure, I've made mistakes, but I haven't taken one step without thinking of them first. I've cherished every moment with them and can't help but feel that my daughter is being ripped away from me far too soon. I was not prepared for this. I thought I had a few more years until I had to let her go and that she would be heading off to college or university and that we could have shared those decisions and that experience together. I want to know her friends and her boyfriends. I want to take her to get her driver's license. I want to be the one who's there for her when life doesn't go according to plan.

It sure isn't going according to MY plan! My head tells me that I need to be supportive of her and let her make her own decisions (*MISTAKES*) and that's what I'm trying to do, but my heart and every other cell in my body is screaming NO!!!... FIGHT! I want to hold on. I don't want her to go. I don't want to miss out on this precious time with her...This time that I thought I had earned. I thought it was mine. Maybe I need her more than she needs me.

I Don't know how to handle this with Grace or Dignity.

Where's the Fun At?

It's not here at home. It's not at work. I have the weekend off and am dying to do something fun. It'd be nice to just hang out with people. I'd like to go places, see new things, laugh, live. I miss that. Blah

It is What it is

I wasn't going to do a whole end of the year...new beginnings kind of blog post. But hey, it's quiet here. There are a few thoughts rolling around in my head. Why not type them out? So here you go:

Lets start with the truth. There's no way I'll get those movies back to Blockbuster before noon. I WILL be paying late fees in 2011.

Now, 2010 was not a great year for me. It was the loneliest year I've had in the past decade. I said I'd tell the truth, so here it is. My husband and I have been separated since 2009. I will not speak of the details regarding our split. (So Hollywood of me) We are friends and still have a deep love for one another but can not continue on as husband and wife. Done. End of explanation.

So, 2010 was the year I started doing it on my own. I am both incredibly grateful and a lot embarrassed for all the help I've received (and required) from my family. It's been a tough year. 2010 was the year I learned how to juggle. (figuratively of course) It's not easy keeping secrets, being strong for everybody, trying to keep everyone happy. I've dropped a few balls. Sorry for that.

2010 was the year that I turned 40. My son turned 18. My daughter entered high-school. My role as a mother is changing. I no longer identify myself as someones wife. I'm adapting, changing, growing, learning.

The best thing I did in 2010 was my 365 day photo project. I'm so very proud to say that I actually completed it. I'm not quite finished all the editing, but did take at least one photo every day, and so I consider it a success. Apparently, I CAN practice self-discipline! It was an exercise in creativity. I learned about my camera, about lighting and timing and about looking at things in new ways. I found something that I'm passionate about and I'm so thankful that I did.

And so, I composed this wonderful blog post in my head last night, and before writing it out, I had to come up with the perfect photo for day 365. I was going to go alone to the New Years celebrations in Niagara Falls. I didn't go. Not because I was afraid to do it on my own. I actually didn't go because I WOULD have been okay doing it on my own. I was comfortable with the idea of going out in public by myself on New Years Eve. I'm not the same person that I used to be. When I realized that, I gave myself permission to stay home. I put on my PJ's and washed my face. I decided that my final photo of the year would be a self portrait. Me in my pajama's. No make-up. Just the real me. And I was going to be okay with it because the real me is beautiful.

So, I started taking pictures in the mirror. I set up the timer and took photos of myself. I reviewed them. You will not be seeing any of them. Yes, the real me is beautiful but the exterior me needs some work.

And so you get this plain and simple photo of the last page of my calendar. Nothing spectacular. It is what it is. (my favourite phrase of 2010) Just another quiet day done.

2011 is here. I don't have any expectations. No New Years resolutions. We'll just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

So, can you work the 25th?

Somebody at work today wished me a Merry Christmas, and then said, "Oh, I'm sorry, You don't celebrate Christmas do you?" Uh...yes I do. Why would you think that I don't?

I guess because of my last name, (my husband's name is Muslim) somebody had told this person not to wish me a merry Christmas because I don't celebrate it. They thought I was Jewish!

Huh. So, of course I'm over-analyzing this. First of all, I was under the illusion that my Christianity was obvious, and am disappointed in myself that it's not.

Secondly, I'm surprised that somebody thought I'd be offended by a friendly greeting. I'm actually pretty easy going and am not easily offended.

Finally, I'm saddened that after working at this place for four years, nobody really knows me.

I'm curious. Who do they think I really am?

Seriously Though...

I went to a movie tonight. It was a comedy. I laughed. I ate popcorn. I drove home. What a waste of time and money! It's not that the movie was bad, or that I spent a fortune (I had a coupon). It's just that it was so meaningless.

I have this heaviness around me lately. It's not depression or sadness. It's a seriousness. It's deep. Like I'm preparing for something. I feel like I'm on the verge of something. What it is, I don't know. It feels like everything I've been through has led me to this point...almost like I'm about to discover my purpose in life.

Dramatic eh? I can also feel you rolling your eyes.

But for the first time in a long time (maybe EVER) I feel like God has big plans for me. I think I might be ready. Bring it on