How Not to start off the Year

New Years Eve was weird this year for me. I worked the morning of the 30th and when I arrived home, Hubby announced that he'd booked us a room at the casino hotel for the night. I changed my clothes, packed a bag and we were off. We had a nice dinner and then hit the slots. We had lost about half of what we came with when Hubby hit a jackpot. Woo Hoo! The night had started out right. But it was early, so we continued to play. And play, and play. I was bored of Hubby's choice of games and so I went off on my own. Met up with him again later and we won another jackpot. I asked him to put away the amount we came with so we didn't lose it. He put it in his pocket and continued to play. I wanted to leave, go back to our room and spend some time with my husband. He did not feel the same way. So we stayed and played some more. By the end of the night, all the money was gone - Everything we came with as well as the two jackpots. Hubby wanted to take more money out of the bank. I refused. We had a quiet little argument under the cameras and amongst all the bells and lights. As I was holding the bank card, we did not return to the ATM but headed upstairs. We did not walk hand in hand and our elevator ride to the 29th floor was silent.

I woke up on the morning of the 31st and looked out the window. It had snowed and I watched people shovelling sidewalks and plowing parking lots. All was quiet except for the roar of Niagara Falls. I could see preparations going on for the New Years Eve celebrations. There was a sense of excitement and anticipation. A new year was almost here and everybody seemed ready to party. I was disappointed that what I had hoped to be a romantic evening had turned out to be just the opposite - but a new day had dawned. We still had one more day left of 2008. We could make it a good one.

When I emerged from the shower, Hubby was awake and watching sports news. We were polite to one another. I was still waiting for an apology. He was still mad at me for being mad at him. We had planned to go for breakfast. He took our bags out to the car and told me to go ahead. I thought he wanted me to get a table, however, I guess he just wanted me to go ahead and wait.? I had no money to pay for breakfast and so he instructed me to take out an amount from the ATM. (much more than we would have needed for breakfast) I did what I was told, and went in to get us a table. I ordered him a drink and proceeded to the buffet. That's when he phoned me to find out where I was. I told him and he hung up on me. Breakfast was tense. We quietly argued about what I said, what he said, what we thought each other meant. Communication is not a strength for either of us.

We headed back out to the casino. I figured we'd play a couple of games and then leave. I had planned to go shopping since it was my only day to do so. I should have known that we would not leave until all the money was gone. And even when it was, Hubby wanted to stay longer. He suggested that I go and leave him there. He could either get a cab home or I could pick him up later. I reminded him of our current financial status. He assured me that he had not forgotten. We glared at each other in silence for what seemed like an eternity and then he blinked. "Fine, Let's go", he said and then walked 8 feet in front of me all the way to the car.

At home, he shovelled the driveway while I went inside and put our bags away. I checked the voicemail and found that my boss had called and wanted me to come into work. It was too late to do so at that point, so I left and headed for the mall. Ahh, retail therapy! With my gift certificate from Christmas, I purchased three new sweaters and a much needed new purse. Also a pregnancy test since I was three days late.

Negative. Although, if I held the pee stick up to the light, squinted my eyes and used a bit of imagination, I could see a faint second line. Maybe it would be an exciting new year after all? Hope is a four letter word.

Hubby didn't ask about my trip to the mall. He was watching a movie. I puttered around the house. Put in a frozen pizza for dinner. Hubby ate his on the couch, I ate mine at the computer. I went upstairs to watch the New Years celebrations on TV. I felt restless. I wanted to do something. I considered asking the man if he wanted to join me at the park in Niagara Falls. It would be a free concert. We would be in the midst of all the excitement. Maybe we would enjoy each other's company and the magic of New Years Eve would make us forget the uncomfortableness of the last several hours. But it would be bitter cold. And parking would be a nightmare. And we'd be way too close to the casino. I didn't even bring it up.

On the news they said that the buses were free. I had a crazy thought. I wanted to capture the excitement of new years eve. I could hop on a bus with my camera, travel around the city and take photos of the last night of 2008 and the first few moments of 2009. It would be fun and impulsive and a little bit weird and WAY out of my comfort zone. But wouldn't that have been cool?

I want to be THAT girl. I want to listen to that inner voice that says it's okay to do something different. I want to be fun. To have fun. To make fun. Maybe I'll transform myself into that girl this year? Maybe.

I watched the ball drop in NY from the comfort and warmth of my sofa. Just after midnight, Hubby came upstairs and gave me a kiss. Then he hurried downstairs to finish watching his movie. My daughter called to wish me a Happy New Year. I told her I missed her. I'm so glad she called.

It's now January 1st, 2009. I am definitely not pregnant. I am not healthier, thinner, smarter, richer, more organized, or happier than I was last year. But maybe I could be. If I tried. And I think I will.