Saturday, January 01, 2011

It is What it is

I wasn't going to do a whole end of the beginnings kind of blog post. But hey, it's quiet here. There are a few thoughts rolling around in my head. Why not type them out? So here you go:

Lets start with the truth. There's no way I'll get those movies back to Blockbuster before noon. I WILL be paying late fees in 2011.

Now, 2010 was not a great year for me. It was the loneliest year I've had in the past decade. I said I'd tell the truth, so here it is. My husband and I have been separated since 2009. I will not speak of the details regarding our split. (So Hollywood of me) We are friends and still have a deep love for one another but can not continue on as husband and wife. Done. End of explanation.

So, 2010 was the year I started doing it on my own. I am both incredibly grateful and a lot embarrassed for all the help I've received (and required) from my family. It's been a tough year. 2010 was the year I learned how to juggle. (figuratively of course) It's not easy keeping secrets, being strong for everybody, trying to keep everyone happy. I've dropped a few balls. Sorry for that.

2010 was the year that I turned 40. My son turned 18. My daughter entered high-school. My role as a mother is changing. I no longer identify myself as someones wife. I'm adapting, changing, growing, learning.

The best thing I did in 2010 was my 365 day photo project. I'm so very proud to say that I actually completed it. I'm not quite finished all the editing, but did take at least one photo every day, and so I consider it a success. Apparently, I CAN practice self-discipline! It was an exercise in creativity. I learned about my camera, about lighting and timing and about looking at things in new ways. I found something that I'm passionate about and I'm so thankful that I did.

And so, I composed this wonderful blog post in my head last night, and before writing it out, I had to come up with the perfect photo for day 365. I was going to go alone to the New Years celebrations in Niagara Falls. I didn't go. Not because I was afraid to do it on my own. I actually didn't go because I WOULD have been okay doing it on my own. I was comfortable with the idea of going out in public by myself on New Years Eve. I'm not the same person that I used to be. When I realized that, I gave myself permission to stay home. I put on my PJ's and washed my face. I decided that my final photo of the year would be a self portrait. Me in my pajama's. No make-up. Just the real me. And I was going to be okay with it because the real me is beautiful.

So, I started taking pictures in the mirror. I set up the timer and took photos of myself. I reviewed them. You will not be seeing any of them. Yes, the real me is beautiful but the exterior me needs some work.

And so you get this plain and simple photo of the last page of my calendar. Nothing spectacular. It is what it is. (my favourite phrase of 2010) Just another quiet day done.

2011 is here. I don't have any expectations. No New Years resolutions. We'll just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

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