A Very LONG Story

Here's the long(er) version of last week's drama.

Before leaving for Vegas, I was very uneasy about leaving my kids with their father. I couldn't explain it. It was just a feeling. I'd had that feeling before and it has always proven to be for a good reason. I'm a big believer in "going with your gut".

I spoke with him on the phone on the morning that I was to drop the kids off to him. He asked me if I could bring our daughter's new bike since he had a bike there for everyone except for her. I replied that I'd rather not. I didn't want it to be stolen. (His girlfriend doesn't live in the best of neighborhoods) Then, suddenly in the background, I heard his girlfriend screaming at someone. "Where'd you put my F'n pipe? Where the F is it? What are you a F'n retard?" I don't know if she was screaming at the he-ex or at one of her own kids. Either way, it was unacceptable and I knew that I wouldn't be sending my kids there for the week.

About a half hour later, I got a call from the he-ex's sister. She told me that his family would be coming to pick him and the kids up and that they would be staying at their grandparents farm for the week. She said that this way I wouldn't have to worry. She said that the he-ex and his girlfriend were finished and that he wouldn't be going back there. As this particular sister hadn't spoken to me since the divorce, I found great comfort in the fact that she was taking control of the situation and shared my concerns about the living conditions at the girlfriend's house.

I then called the he-ex to find out what was going on and to tell him that the kids were not to be at his girlfriend's house - Ever! I was never able to say what I wanted to say. I listened to him curse at me and blame me for everything wrong in his life for an hour and a half. He blames the break up with his girlfriend on my comment that I didn't want my daughter's bike to be stolen. He took everything that he did to me in our marriage and reversed it as if I had done it all to him. In his mind, he truly believes that I abused him verbally and physically! He told me how much he hated me and how much I disgusted him. He told me that he wanted more than anything to murder me.

For the very first time, his insults didn't get to me. I could see clearly that he is mentally ill. After trying to reason with him and not succeeding, I told him to get help and hung up. I struggled with sending my kids up to his parent's place with him, but finally and reluctantly decided that everything would be fine. I put my faith in his sister's words. I was under the impression that his family had staged some sort of intervention. The kids always have fun up at their grandparent's farm. They have lots of cousins to play with. They get to ride horses and get to spend time with their father and his family in a clean and safe environment.

When the he-ex and his sister showed up to pick up the kids (an hour late), the he-ex did not speak or even look at me. His sister spoke to me and she again re-assured me that they would not be going back to Hamilton. We had a little moment of understanding - Or so I thought.

Hubby and I went to Vegas. We had fun but I still had these lingering uneasy thoughts about the kids. I prayed every day and night for their safety.

We returned home on Sunday night at about 11 p.m. I called my parent's place hoping that the children would be there. (The he-ex's sister had agreed to make arrangements with my parents to drop the kids off at their place.) My Mom and Dad said that they had been calling the he-ex's cell phone all day and weren't able to get through. They called my former MIL and she thought that the kids were being dropped of to them on Friday. She told my parents that her son had only stayed for a few days and that a friend had picked him up and brought him back to his house in Hamilton. I called the he-ex several times. He was "unavailable." I called his friend's house several times only to get an answering machine. I called the farm and spoke to his Mother. She told me that he was only there for ONE day and left with the kids because nobody in his family was speaking to him. I told his mother that I was assured by her daughter that the kids would be at the farm for the entire time. She told me that her daughter had enough of her own problems to deal with.

I decided to try and get some rest and resume the search in the morning. After all, At the beginning of all of this, I had told the he-ex that he could have the kids from Monday to Monday. First thing Monday morning, I began phoning the he-ex on his cell and also at his friend's home number. Shortly after leaving a message on the friend's machine, my phone rang. My son's voice was on the other end. He told me that he was in Hamilton at his Father's friend's house and he sounded happy enough. I arranged to go and pick them up.

When I arrived, the he-ex was friendly. When I told him that my parents were expecting the kids days ago, his response was, "Oh, I had no intention of ever bringing them there." I walked through the friend's house to gather my children's belongings. This house was even filthier than the girlfriend's house. The carpet was thick and black with dirt and hair and crumbs. The kitchen counter and sink were piled high with dirty dishes and open boxes and cans of food. The cat was bringing a dead mouse into the house as I was leaving. The he-ex's room was okay. The wood floor was swept and there were two bare mattresses on the ground. As we were leaving, the he-ex made a point of loudly making sure that my son had the money that he gave him for school supplies.

I carefully and tactfully drilled my kids for information about their time with "dad". This is what I found out: He gave my son $20 for school supplies to be shared with our daughter. (That will buy them each one shoe) They were only at the farm for one day. Dad's friend came to get them and he is now renting a room at his friend's house. They went for a bike ride. Since my daughter did not have a bike, she rode on her father's handlebars without a helmet on a busy main street. They did not brush their teeth all week.

This next story, I heard three or four times. The same story from two kids, told exactly the same way each time: "We went to the girlfriend's house just for a little while. We both had a bath and dad had a smoke and then we left."

I found it interesting that the story was exactly the same each time it was told and was complete in one sentence. It is also interesting to me that dad had to go there to have a smoke. So I asked about that. Q: Does dad smoke elsewhere or just at his girlfriend's house? A: He smokes sometimes when someone offers him one but he mostly smokes at girlfriend's house and don't worry Mom, he never lets us see him smoke when he's at girlfriend's house.

I have reason to believe that the he-ex is on crack - But I can't prove it.

It is also interesting to me that the kids had to go to the girlfriend's house to have a bath, but I'm not going to dwell on that. At least they saw soap and water at least once during the week.

I am about 90 percent decided that I need to go for full custody of the kids. Hubby agrees, but neither he or I really want to go back to court. It's expensive and uncomfortable and I really don't want to start a new war. But I need to protect my children. I need to have peace of mind when they are with their dad that they are comfortable and warm and clean and well fed and safe.

I have been struggling with this all week. If I get family services involved, they will not only be involved with my kids but also with the he-ex's girlfriend's kids and his friend's kids since he has chosen to make their places his home. Hubby is also worried that even if I get full custody that I won't be able to say no to the he-ex or that I won't press charges when he violates the conditions. I just want to do what's right. I wish things were simple black and white. To me right now, everything is just a big grey blur.

This is my weekend. We'll see how strong I am next weekend when the kids are scheduled to see their father again.