Limbo

One week left to wait for the ultrasound. So far, I've survived...Even left the house a few times and gone out in public. Life is beginning to get busy again. I got the call that they want me back at work on Monday. I'm happy to go (Not quite the amazing house-wife I thought I'd be) but am concerned about the timing. How do I tell them about what's going on? Also, this weekend, there are parties to plan for Kianna's birthday and for the Superbowl the week after. Life must go on but every time I smile, laugh, or do something normal, I feel a little guilty. Assuming that my child is dead but holding out hope that he/she is alive...What do I do with the day to day stuff?
I find myself hoping that if I miscarry that it will happen at a convenient time. I also fantasize that ultrasound will show a heartbeat and a growing, healthy baby. This tug-of-war between faith/hope and acceptance/grief is a strange thing to experience.
I have no control over the circumstances - Only how I react to them and what I choose to learn from them. And that alone, is a huge responsibility.