All I Want For Christmas...

I've been busy trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm over the whole baby thing. I was making progress. And then last weekend, we went to Hubby's work Christmas party for the kids. I saw all of the little babies and toddlers dressed up in their Christmas best. The parents (most of whom seemed to be at least as old or even older than us) lovingly watching their little ones dancing around the Christmas tree, getting their faces painted, meeting Dora and Spiderman. There was so much excitement in the air. I hated every minute of it. I cried - Right there at our table in the center of the room. I couldn't help it.

We didn't feel like a real family. Our kids were there only to get their presents. The girls had their pictures taken with Santa, but it took some convincing to get them up there. All of those magical Christmas moments with a small child - Hubby and I experienced with our ex's. It's something that we don't share together.
Somehow it leaves a huge hole in my heart. I feel like something really important is missing.

Yes, we have made and continue to make wonderful memories together as a family. Our children are growing and changing and yes, we are still watching them experience the world. And yes, it's a beautiful thing. Hubby and I love each other. I love his daughter and he loves my kids. The kids love each other. We are doing well - And yet, we still feel like two separate families living under the same roof.

I probably shouldn't put that out there. I should keep it to myself. But the truth is...(in Hubby's own words:) "There's nothing like your own flesh and blood."

14 years ago today, my son was born. I became a mother and the he-ex became a father. We did that together. We created a beautiful boy and we both loved him equally. We were there together for so many firsts. When I look at him I see the different qualities that he inherited from each of us. Divorce means that the he-ex and I are no longer and never will be again a couple - a family. But our children keep us forever connected. It is a deep and a real connection. A diamond is lovley and a gold band is nice but they cannot compare to the beauty of a child created from love.

I feel that Hubby and I (and our kids as well) have been robbed of the chance to share that connection with each other. Yeah. I still want a baby. More than anything.

Fourteen years ago, my life changed for the better. This boy amazes me every day. I am so proud of him. I love everything about him. He has his father's looks and my sence of humour. He is kind and talented. He is a good boy and before I know it, he will be a man. Thank you God for giving me a son. He is such a blessing. Happy Birthday R. I am so proud to be called your Mom.