Hello Internet,
It's 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. I have a pain in my hip that's almost as big as the pain in my heart.
What am I going to do tomorrow? Or next week? I thought I knew where my life was headed. Now, I'm not so sure.
I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong. Why did this happen? Am I being punished for my divorce? For marrying a muslim? Is it that I'm not a very good step-mother? Has God been telling me all along that He doesn't want me to have any more children and I've just been to stubborn to listen? Is seven dead babies enough to make me quit trying?
I think that maybe it is. I don't think that I can do this any more. I'm tired of playing the baby lottery and losing.
But - Have I calculated the date nine and a half months from now? Yes. Of course I have.
My own kids are away this week at their dad's. Since the tragic death of our neice last year, I've been much more worried about them when they're out of my sight. I don't want to lose them too.
I've tried not to speak my fears. I've tried to live in faith and let only good things come from my mouth. Deep down inside, I knew that I wouldn't be bringing this baby home. At each reassuring step, each ultrasound, each time I heard a heart beat, each week that passed, I thanked God for trusting me with this precious little life. And I was trusting Him - little by little, I was beginning to believe that He had answered my prayers. But I never felt completely like this was a sure thing.
Was it my lack of faith that killed my son or did God just give me the foresight to know that he would not be born alive?
My breasts are producing milk. How cruel is that?
Please don't tell me that one day I'll be able to help someone else going through the same thing - because selfishly, I don't want to be an inspiration. I just want my baby.
This sucks. It's unfair. I'm lost and have no idea where to go from here.
These are the crazy rambling thoughts that have been going through my head.
Geez - I just went through two boxes of Kleenex
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4 comments:
who wants to be an inspiration to others based out of tragedy? it may happen, sure, but who would want to go through hell just to say to others, "look! you can go through hell and live!" we'd much prefer to live without tasting this much pain.
i'm sorry you are in so much pain and sorry that this happened to you. no one deserves this, certainly not you. i'm glad you're writing, though...
miss you,
*hugs*
Oh, Jan. My heart is broken for you. I am glad that you have some outlet for your grief and I only wish that I had some answers that would give you comfort. How can one have faith in a time when nothing makes sense? Because faith is the only thing that keeps us going. Faith that there will be better days, that there will be brilliant rainbows, that there will be healing. I don't know how you get there from here. I do hope that you seek out a therapist there (a good one, and a woman) that can help, as this would be a tough road to travel alone. But, my friend, you are not being punished for any of the things that you mentioned. Marrying a muslim? Being a testament to overseeing bias and racism? Showing your children that people of different religions can come together? You married a man of a religion as old as time. A man that is there for you, that loves you, that cares for your children, both with you and not.
All I can tell you is that I went to sleep last night I prayed my hardest for you and your family, that God cover you in support and comfort.
(that should read OVERCOMING not overseeing)
directed here from tale of a baby human-
I want you to know that I am praying for you- please know you did nothing wrong- you are not being punished in anyway. It has taken me 5 years to stop trying to figure out the why's and yet I still try to find an answer time to time. But truly deep down I have trusted that I didnt do anything wrong and please know either did you. Its not fair and not natural for a mother to lose her baby. The pain is so unreal.
shortly after losing our daughter,(she was a twin) I also started to realize that I also had those feelings of uncertainty before they were born- I held off getting a double stroller, getting two sets of clothes and bedding...I look at it as a way of God cushioning my heart, as he may have done for you. I felt crazy when I talked to my husband about it, but there were moments that I felt like having her wasnt meant to be..I want you to try and keep faith- during that time for me I was closest to God- in both a love hate relationship. I leaned on Him so much and cried out with so many of the same angry feelings you have..but He held me through it just like He will you..
I know this is my first time to your blog, but if you ever want to talk- I am here to listen. (((hugs))) my email is buhtafly@comcast.net
Bree
www.buhtafly.blogs.com
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