Finding my Passion

I've never really known what I've wanted out of life. I didn't go to college or university because at the time, the only thing that interested me was getting married and having babies. I was able to be a SAHM for about three years after my second child was born - but by that time, being Mrs. C. was not working out as well as I had planned, and I found that my only identity was as "Rob's wife/property." As my marriage ended, I found myself at 30 years old, working in restaurants with 20-something singles. They went out partying after work while I went home to be with my kids. It's not that I really cared about missing out on the party scene - It's just that I didn't really fit in.

The only thing I know for sure that I've always been good at is loving my kids. Sure, I've made mistakes as a parent, but I think that of all the things that I do, Being a Mom is the thing that I do best. (I'm not so sure that I'm the best step-mom that I could be. I've still got a long way to go in that department, but I'm working on it.)

So if you asked me today what I would want more than anything, It would be a baby. With my own kids coming up to the ages of 13 and 10, they don't need me as much as they used to. They are becoming beautiful, independent young people and I am so proud of them. My step-daughter too is getting older and although we've bonded in the last few years, I don't have the same connection with her that I have with my own kids. I love her, yes, but I don't get her. And I find that my role in her life right now is more of an enforcer than a nurturer.

I'd love to have a child with my husband that is OURS - together. One that we can raise together from the beginning of life. One that we can both understand because he/she is part of us. A child that we are both equally invested in. (I know it's probably not cool to admit that we are more connected to our biological children - but I'm just speaking the truth here)

After three miscarriages last year, my heart was broken and it's taken a long time to pull myself out of this pit of depression. I decided that there would have to be a point where I'd have to give up on this dream and move on. My 35th birthday seemed like a logical deadline. It is now only four weeks and one cycle away. I have to face the fact that Hubby and I will probably never share the bond of having a child together. I am faced with the question of what will fill that void in my life?

Please don't get me wrong...I haven't given up or finished parenting my own kids. I'm just looking forward to the future and still trying to figure out who I am. Besides being a great Mom, What else am I going to do with my life? This question remains to be answered. Putting away a dream is difficult to do, but maybe it'll be the key to discovering a new one.