So Now that I'm Fat, I'd better get a Personality

This one's for the girls:

In high school, I was a size 6. I looked good. I turned heads. After my son was born, I was held steady at a size 7/8. The he-ex thought I was fat at that size. After my daughter was born, I'd go up and down from a 7/8 to a 9/10 - but mostly up. It was a slow and gradual process though. Now, since I'm married to a good cook and a man with a "healthy" appetite, I've quickly become a size 11/12 and have dabbled in the 13's. You can see it in my face. But most of all, you can see it in my hips!

Sometimes it's a problem for me - like when a bathing suit is required or I'm standing next to someone young, beautiful and thin. 'Cause I used to be that girl. I miss being able to wear anything and still looking good. But all in all...It doesn't bother me that much anymore.

I am who I am. Most days, when I look in the mirror before I leave the house, I think that I look good. Ya know...I do what I can. I have a couple of flattering "skinny" mirrors in my house and some decent lighting in the bathroom - so, misguided or not - I'm usually pretty comfortable with the way that I look. That is...Until I walk by an accurate mirror or see myself in pictures. Then I see me as other people must see me. I look round and sloppy.

The thing is though, that I don't care what other people think about the way I look anymore. (Hubby being the exception) Yes, I have a fat ass. Yes, my hips are way too wide and my chin has cloned itself. But that's my problem. If other people can't look past my appearance then that's their problem. They can whisper all they want "Jan's gained weight". I don't care.

Now comes the great debate as to what is appropriate to wear at my brother's wedding. I had an outfit. A pretty turquoise number that I wore to a friends wedding and out one night in Vegas. If you've seen my pictures - That's the one. It's nice. I felt fantastic in it until I saw myself in the pictures and realized that I didn't actually look as good as I thought that I did.

I thought that it would be nice to have something brand new. After all, this is a special occasion. So, I went shopping and bought myself a dress. It's form fitting, yes, but I thought I had a pretty nice form - just a little bit larger than it used to be. I brought it home and set myself up for a huge let down:

Hubby went out to the store and I tried on the dress, did my hair and makeup and put on a nice pair of stilletos. I was waiting for him when he walked in - expecting his mouth to drop to the floor when he saw me. Lets just say that I didn't get much of a reaction at all. His words (once he finally noticed me) were, "That's a nice dress." WRONG ANSWER! He was supposed to say, "Wow! You look amazing/hot/fantastic/beautiful" (any of those would have been acceptable)

So, after torturing Hubby with a long and teary conversation, he admitted that I looked "kind of hippy" in it. I appreciate his honesty - to an extent, although that pill would have been easier to swallow had it come from a girlfriend instead of my husband.

I hate it that everybody is judged on their appearance. I hate it that I can walk out of the house feeling good about myself and then somebody can take away all myself esteem with one look of disgust.

So, I still don't know what to wear to the wedding. Whatever it is, I'm sure it won't adequately hide my flaws. I'm happy with my distorted body image though - thinking that I look good when I really don't. Pears are nice aren't they?

How arrogant am I to think that anyone would really care what I wear? It's all about the Bride anyway.